Mint & Polka Dots | Heart to Heart

Arden B mint knit long open cardigan // H&M polka dot blouse // H&M black shorts (old) // 

Black sweater tights (old) // Mossimo suede black ankle boots //

Forever 21 gold and silver spike bracelets // Michael Todd vampy wine red lipstain in Disco //

Photography: self, tripod and remote

MOONCAKE AND SUNBEAMS. Heyyyy dudettes and dudes! Long time no see, so let me catch you up to speed. First a few words about today's outfit: wanted to streamline from the waist down so I layered on the black pieces to maintain fall weather and class appropriate (biggest pet peeve: seeing your leggings butt uncovered and hanging out). Threw on a lightweight cardigan sweater in the fresh minty green favourite to add colour (on sale for $7 during Fashion Night Out, and polka dot blouse was free from H&M during the grand opening spree). Thanks goodness because it was hardly fall today and back to  sizzling summer temps - the whole black bottoms deal attracted heat like a magnifying glass laser beam to ants. The leaves are changing! My favourite, favourite time of year especially in the Great Lakes Region. Bit the bullet and reordered these favourite spike bracelets from F21 because I have been missing them ever since I lost them with my purse in May. So many faves - they all get a gold star.

These past 2 weeks have been intro immunology block, and long time readers will recall a familiar shiftshow I suffered through last fall, except ironically that prepares me big time for the real deal in med school. Instead of 3 months to learn everything about everything, we now do it 6x faster. From how I describe my day-to-day in blog posts and schedule my social events, it seems that med school is easy - well, that couldn't be further from the truth. Most days I am pulling my hair and itching to break the monotony, but no one wants to read about my stress when y'all have enough of your own! That's why I try not to complain too much here. On the upside, I am beginning to learn how to focus on chewable chunks, group review, and making sure I go to bed every night inspired by something that happened during the day. Last weekend I was up in Ann Arbor at a conference discussing multidisciplinary issues in Asian American healthcare. Simultaneously, it was a good chance to catch up with some old friends from WashU and it warmed my heart to throw down to Gangnam style and 90s R&B while networking and workshopping topics in humanism. Monday was another test of our skills at interviewing patients and performing physical exams. On Tuesday, I learned basic suturing techniques and fiddled with some pre-surgery dexterity skills (still exploring, by no means committed yet). All week I have been singing with a cappella for a performance on Friday (such good catharsis) and enjoying the classical music blasting through the roof at the local Panera. Tomorrow I'm starting real work as a student doctor at a gastroenterology clinic - nervous and pumped at the same time.

We all have skeletons and it helps to just let loose and spill all the crap that's been piling mile-high on my chest. I find myself bottling up a lot more inside, not being able to reach out for support around me. Maybe it's the new environment, being apart from my long-time close friends, or a fear of a dog-eat-dog world. So, here we go back to the roots of what Pandaphilia is about - to get away from the nasty sides of reality and divulge in happy things. The truth is, I still grieve every day about my Mom and it hurts to hear classmates throw around jokes about death and cancer and comas and not be able to confront them even though I hint, responding with a serious "that's not funny." I feel like there's this huge barrier to sharing because how can I trust this kind of insensitivity when I'm vulnerable, when I'm sitting in lectures about cancer and what families have to go through and hear snide comments about how this is a waste of class time. It pains me to hear how much some people don't appreciate their parents. A lot of these things I am not strong enough to say directly out loud, and I know that people don't intentionally want to hurt me, but with their nonchalant attitudes and frivolity, it stings and it stings a lot. Recently, my family is going through another loss and it's difficult to even know what to think or feel. Every day I wake up and put on my brave face and go out into the world, but I hope that if you read this, you can grasp what I'm going through a little better and let me feel safer opening up to you.

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

[ ... and I will try to fix you ]

- Coldplay, "Fix You"